From mom groups and mom books and mom friends, I understand the basic principle that children need boundaries and actually thrive more with rules than without them. I've never been afraid of the need to set limits for my children and discipline them accordingly.
Until my 20-month-old started throwing temper tantrums. Throw-yourself-on-the-floor-kicking tantrums. In public. [I called my mom in a panic: "This isn't supposed to start until he's 2 years old! I want my four months back!"] Most recently, I had to leave a group of friends in a large grocery store and race to the car with my double stroller, Levi jumping frantically in his seat the whole way. Let me tell you, it was unbelievably tempting to just let him have his way (in this case, being allowed to roam the store and parking lot without holding a parent's hand).
I've noticed something in the last month of tantrums, though. When I persevere -- when I am calm but firm, patient but consistent -- I have a different child, post-tantrum. Not only is he obedient, but happily so. I remember a moment a few weeks ago, in which I was standing about 5 feet away from Levi and asked him to come to me. He refused, more and more indignantly as I insisted that he come. As he stood there, fists clenched, shaking and screaming, the struggle going on in his mind was so visible, so visceral: "but I don't want to come! But I have to obey!" When he finally obeyed, it was to fall into my arms with such peace, and a thoroughly joyful afternoon ensued.
The same scenario seems to be holding true regardless of the specific situation. We can go from calm to tantrum in seconds; the journey back can take much, much longer, but the result is a happy, peaceful kid, even when he hasn't gotten his way.
Until my 20-month-old started throwing temper tantrums. Throw-yourself-on-the-floor-kicking tantrums. In public. [I called my mom in a panic: "This isn't supposed to start until he's 2 years old! I want my four months back!"] Most recently, I had to leave a group of friends in a large grocery store and race to the car with my double stroller, Levi jumping frantically in his seat the whole way. Let me tell you, it was unbelievably tempting to just let him have his way (in this case, being allowed to roam the store and parking lot without holding a parent's hand).
I've noticed something in the last month of tantrums, though. When I persevere -- when I am calm but firm, patient but consistent -- I have a different child, post-tantrum. Not only is he obedient, but happily so. I remember a moment a few weeks ago, in which I was standing about 5 feet away from Levi and asked him to come to me. He refused, more and more indignantly as I insisted that he come. As he stood there, fists clenched, shaking and screaming, the struggle going on in his mind was so visible, so visceral: "but I don't want to come! But I have to obey!" When he finally obeyed, it was to fall into my arms with such peace, and a thoroughly joyful afternoon ensued.
The same scenario seems to be holding true regardless of the specific situation. We can go from calm to tantrum in seconds; the journey back can take much, much longer, but the result is a happy, peaceful kid, even when he hasn't gotten his way.
I think that "terrible 2's" is a misnomer...the struggle for independence starts about 1 1/2 (and even earlier!) for a lot of kids! Sounds like you are doing a great job, Christy. I've had 2 with tempers and 2 that haven't had them. The ones that don't tend to struggle with a "weak" will which is great when they are young (laid back, easily submit to authority, calm) but a struggle when they get older (reminding them to stand up for themselves, to not cave to peer pressure, to persevere even when you don't 'feel' like it, to not be fearful, to work hard to overcome weaknesses, etc.)
ReplyDeleteChristy,
ReplyDeleteYou are choosing to respond with calm and consistency rather than react with frustration or anger. A positive outcome, besides a happy day ahead, is Levi will not feel shame when his emotions get the best of him.
Respond rather than react are good words for adult situations, too!
Thanks for the good word, I am going to try to be calm and consistent when others have their own kind of "tantrums."
ReplyDeleteIt's funny...several other of my friends with boys have talked about the tantrums they've encountered over not wanting to hold hands in various situations. I wonder if it tends to be more of a boy problem? (my girls have their own tantrum issues, but never that one so far)
ReplyDelete